Blank

I do not know what my weight is. But I know that my waist is 23" so I wonder if I should be content with that. I think I'm around 100 lbs again. What a fucking fat ass right?

Funny thing is, I don't even care right now. I just took a few pills of oxy with soda so I'm waiting for them to do their thing. At this time I really don't care what I'm doing. I just want to fall and enter blankness. I haven't done this in years but right now I can't handle reality.

Reality hurts.

A girl I knew since childhood committed suicide. She jumped. I was going to attend her funeral but the day before it happened I found out that 45 minutes before she jumped, she was with another student from my school. Funny how it goes but they probably told her to jump. Worse?

They posted on facebook that she did something that "everyone wants to do but is too wimped out" or something like that. I don't even know right now. But they said that and put a smiley face at the end of it.

They killed her. And they went to her funeral.


I just want to get thin and get over it. I need to get thin. I'm so sick of being fat. Sad thing is, being fat is the only thing keeping me alive right now. If I were at 80 right now I'd already have taken the entire bottle and that would have been that.

I just took another pill. God, how I have missed this. It's like I never went to the hospitals for this.

My goal from now on is to run for an hour every day minimum. I don't care if that means pushing off school work, if I can't get the one hour first I won't do anything else. I need to lose weight. I'm sick of being so fat. I lost weight and gained it back.

God I wish I could die too. But I won't. I'm too fat to do that. And ugly.

On a side note, good to see you all again. I'll post updates sometime and thinspo. I don't even remember the last time I posted. Shit. I've been out of it this long.

Smallest No More

96.4 lbs as of this morning.

Yesterday was my first day of actual classes. Words cannot describe how upset I am. My anxiety peaked at school so I'm wondering as to how I did not break down then and there. Especially in one class nearly everyone hates me in there. However there are two people that stick out to me in that class. One is a guy from my English 9 class who tormented me. The other is a girl who's thinner than me.

I knew this girl from my elementary/middle school days when I used to attend Sunday school due to my parents forcing me. She and I were the best of friends every time we went to church. However once I finally freed myself from attending church I stopped talking to her. Years later in my first day of freshman year I found her again. She was so thin.

Everyone talked about how she was anorexic. It drove me insane. At this point in time I had gone to the hospitals and I had gained weight. I was a solid 85 lbs and ballooned up to 90 lbs my freshman year when I began. It was completely unfair that she was able to stay so thin while I had to be forced to gain weight. How was that even justifiable?

And now here she was yesterday, in a super cute outfit. And looking so thin I nearly cried. It's not fair. I used to be thin, thinner than her. But here I am now, no longer the thinnest. I'm so angry at myself. I hit 96.4 lbs this morning. But I'm not happy with it at all. I need to get down to 85 as soon as possible. I cannot take time losing weight anymore. Otherwise everyone will think I'm fat for being second thinnest.

I looked around the entire English class. I am most definitely the second thinnest. Everyone in the room is a large small or a medium. She and I were the only ones definitely smaller than that.

My arm is in pain at the moment. I ended up self harming early morning before I took a 3 hour nap. I can no longer sleep anymore, my sleeping pattern is so disturbed. I don't even feel hungry. I just feel slightly dizzy at times. Though I have no excuse for that, I had lunch with my friends yesterday. I'm thankful the lunch man gave me less pasta than everyone else because if he had given me more I would have cried.

Why am I so fat. I'm so ugly with all of this fat crawling on top of my body. I just asked to be thin. That's all I ever wanted.

Measurements Again

I finally did measurements again for the first time since April. I also weighed myself this morning when I woke up.

97.2 lbs, 23.8" (or 60.5cm which is closer).

Comparing my measurements from today to April, I am -5 lbs, neck measurements of course vary but they did go up +.25", arms went down -.25", forearm went up by +.3cm, wrist went down -.1cm, I did not measure bust this time around, under bust went up +2cm (which is disgusting), waist went up +.3", stomach remained neutral, hips were slightly smaller at 81cm than 32", upper thighs went down -2.5cm, mid thighs went down -1.5cm, knee went up +.2cm, mid calf went up to 30.5cm, ankle for some odd reason was not added last time but I measured 19.8cm this time.

I'm rather upset that so many measurements went up when I'm actually lighter than I was the last time I took measurements like these. I'm assuming the reason why I gained in a lot of these measurements is due to the fact that I gained weight and my body shape changed.

I just wish I could get my old body back. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of my stomach being so large. Even if my waist looks smaller I'll still look fat because of my stomach. I'm so sick of this. I just wish that I could tear off my skin and fat to make myself normal. I'm so sick of this. I want to be normal again.

Maybe it was a bad day to do measurements. I'm so upset now.

Thoughts before the new school year

My classes begin tomorrow. I'm so anxious, I'm so introverted that I'm scared I won't make friends. But then again do I really need friends? I already have friends outside of said classes. But there's this part of me that wishes I could just make friends and talk to them in class. I'm so alone.

But the only thing I can relish in is the fact that I'm finally losing weight. I was stuck at the same weight which is why I stopped posting for a short while. But yesterday I woke up and weighed myself.

97.8 lbs, 24".

I'm finally in the green. I know that I'm safe. I'm finally getting close to safety. I'm in the green. I know that from this point on I won't ever go back over 100. I know it. This gives me so much hope. I just feel so safe. I'm proud of this number. I remember months ago I was horrified when I got up to this weight. However now that I have been through hell at 110.6 I know that this is nothing. This is good.

I'm so close to my second goal. Once I hit 95 lbs then I'll be even more content with myself. Then I'll hit 90. I look forward to the days that I hit them. To someday wake up one morning and I finally hit another goal.

Since I finished my first goal of getting under 100 I think I deserve buying some lace for my skirts that I'm sewing currently. I'll go shopping sometime this weekend for lace. I'm so excited now.

But at the same time that I'm happy that I'm under 100, I feel this emptiness. I feel more alone. Every day I wake up and wonder, is it truly worth living? But the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am too fat to die. I do not want to be remembered as the fat girl in my death bed. I want people to remember that I wasn't fat.

I feel so alone in this world. No one actually cares about me. I have my friends from childhood in elementary schools. I have my friends from middle school. I have the friends I made in clubs in high school. But I know that once we all go our ways to college next year that we won't talk again. I know that no one cares about me enough that they'll care once I'm gone.

Maybe it is better off thinking of death. But I have a friend who told me that he'd miss me if I died, even though he doesn't actually know me in real life. Talking to this friend helped me for a bit. But I still feel this emptiness that I know won't go away. This feeling of being alone forever.

I am not unique. I'm a statistic in some book, in a research paper, I am just a number. That is what I am. I am not a person. I am a girl who just wants to find a place in the world but knows she can't. That's what I am. I am not going to be rich in my life time, I already give out most of my money to help the homeless in my area, I am not going to be famous for an invention I made or a scientific paper I wrote, I am not going to be different, I am just going to be like every other person in this world.

So what is keeping me here? Any how, enough thinking for one morning. I have only 2 hours to sleep before I have to wake up. I'm an idiot. Have to get things done today.

Black and White Thinspo 2.0

So I forgot I saved a lot of thinspo a few weeks ago. I have over a hundred pictures so I just decided to post 32 of the black and white ones for now. If there's any repeats from past posts excuse me. Some of these pictures are just stunning or just gorgeous. I love the picture that shows all the types of collar bones. The way they stick out... I can't wait for my collar bones to come back out.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.

 

Greek Yoghurt

My younger sister is a complete bitch. I am so furious right now and disgusted with myself at the same time. She had her friend over for a sleepover. But she complains that since I was talking to my father about an appointment that it was 'too noisy' to stay here and that they were going to go to her friends house instead.

Then while she's completely insulting my entire family for being 'loud' or whatever (since apparently families don't talk when they have friends over), she had to make an obnoxious comment about the Greek yoghurt I was eating. Let me tell you that this was the first time I've tried to eat solid food in a few days (since I had my wisdom teeth pulled out) and I thought peaches and Greek yoghurt would be fine together.

They were about to walk out of the house when my younger sister had to say, "Ew, do you smell that? It smells like Greek yoghurt. I feel like I'm going to throw up everywhere," and laughed with her friend. That was a complete slap in the face. I wasn't even a quarter way done with the small amount of yoghurt that I had out.

My sister knows that I'm bulimic. She fucking knows that I'm sensitive to food. And while she said those words, she walked by me to pick up one more thing from her room, and she snickered while walking by me.

I am so furious right now. I don't even know. I'm so insulted and I feel humiliated that she did all of this in front of her friend. I am so angry. I don't think I'll be able to eat for the next several days now. Better for me, I'll lose weight.

Back Under 100

99.8 lbs, 23"

I'm back under 100. This moment is just unbelievably sweet in my mouth, it just feels amazing. When I first weighed myself it showed 98.8 but I reset the scale and went back on it only to be disappointed that it was 99.8 instead of 98.8. However, a victory is a victory and it's still a great moment for myself.

Actually, I don't even know if that 99.8 is correct, I just ate before I re-took my weight when I realized that maybe I should have double checked to see if the scale was being accurate. I let myself have a small cup of orange juice (100 cals), 2 small bites out of a banana muffin, 1 bite out of a lemon cookie, and 12 bites of a cantaloupe. I was so hungry and I had passed out before I measured myself so I thought I deserved a treat. Is it possible to gain 1 lbs from all that? I guess I'll have to find out tomorrow.

Does that all equal up to 1lbs? Ugh. Now I'm worried that I'm not actually 99.8 and that I'm actually 98.8 or I don't know. I'm feeling upset now that I didn't wait to eat. I was just so tired though. I felt dizzy. I saw the food and before I knew it I just took small bites out of everything. I felt like throwing the food up after but I didn't because I felt nauseous already.

Should I throw it up and re-measure myself? I don't know what's wrong with my scale then if I'm actually not 99.8 and the first measuring was correct. What do I do now?

I can't let myself eat anymore today. Maybe I'll let myself have a nectarine but nothing more than that.

Achieving Goals

As I type this, I'm eating my third tic tac for the day. I haven't wrote for the past several days because I was stuck at 102.0 lbs for the past 3 days. I finally weighed myself this morning and I was 100.6 lbs. I"m so proud.

100.6 lbs and 23". I'm almost there. Back under 100 soon. So close.

The one time I left my room today I could smell the corn in the living room. They steamed corn. I was so hungry. "There's 3 left" but I didn't grab one. My younger sister made freshly squeezed orange juice. I almost asked for some then I stopped. I can't screw this up now. I'm so close to being under 100 again.

I have two of my friends trying to talk me out of losing weight. It's ridiculous. I'm not even in danger land yet so why are they talking to me about the 'dangers' of it and how I'm 'killing myself'? I'm not even close to that.

One friend asked me to think if what I'm doing is because I believe I'm trying to be healthy or if I'm trying to achieve an impossible goal. I don't know. I turned my laptop off for a bit and walked around. I think that what I'm trying to do is for my health, but at the same time I know it's because I'm craving to achieve something that most people think is impossible.

I just want to achieve something and do it for once. I'm sick of being a failure. I keep failing in everything I try to do. But controlling my weight? That's the one thing I can succeed in. I can't fail in that. Even if I gain weight at some point, I can lose it. So it's not impossible.

Some days I wonder if recovery is for the best. I was in the 'recovery' mindset mode for part of this year. But right now I don't want to recover. I want to be myself. Does that make sense? My friends don't think so. They don't understand me.

I hope you guys can understand me. I feel like none of my friends do. One friend who did understand me is trying to recover (possibly) so I don't want to ruin it for her. This blog is the one area I can actually speak my mind out to.

Anyways. I hope I don't get stuck at the same weight again. I was terrified I wouldn't lose any more weight when I was stuck at 102 lbs. 3 days of being at the same weight is horrifying.

Also one final note, I think I'm going to make a chart that shows my weight gain/loss over the months. Should I post it here once I'm done? Anyways, take care you guys.

Teaspoon of Thinspo

 So I found a Facebook page with this girl who's known as the human barbie. I'm planning on posting an entire thinspo on her once I go through all of her pictures. But here are a few of her pictures along with some nice gems I found online.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.

It's insane how thin she is.

She's so doll like.

She really is Barbie.

I wish I had her legs. Oh my goodness, her legs are flawless.

I wish my legs were tall and thin like hers. Her arms are amazing also.

If I could get my thighs to look like this, I could die happy without any regrets.

Those arms.

Fashion models are so gorgeous.

Knee high socks look so cute on girls with thin legs.

Another knee high sock picture. I can't remember if I uploaded this before or not though. If it's a re-post, sorry!

More of an 'artsy' type of picture.

If only my back would look like this. My body shape is horrid. I look fat no matter how thin I am because I'm just a stick in a straight line, no hips or anything.

Thought that is was pretty inspirational. Like, holy crap. I can't even imagine being that large but to see how small she got? So amazing.

I was going to go swimming during vacation but I opted not to since I felt too fat to wear a swim suit.

Back from Vacation

I just got back from vacation yesterday. It's currently 04:20 as I write this and I can't sleep. I'm just so restless. I had a lot of fun for the most part where I went.

However I had some shit moments. I went to a buffet that costs $22 per person. I had only one plate and everyone started complaining to me saying that I was wasting money by not eating enough and forced to get another plate. I was also forced to have some dessert. I ended up purging it all.

I didn't eat for most of the trip though I had to eat dinner every day which sucked. I feel like I gained back all of my weight which makes me feel miserable. I could only purge if nobody was around so most of my meals stayed in my stomach. I was dying to purge every day at dinner time.

I can't wait to get back down under 100 lbs again. I'm planning on going back to what I was doing before I left for the trip and try to stay in the 0-200 calorie range again. Thank goodness blue berries are in season.

Before the trip I found a bunch of new thinspo pictures that I forgot to post prior to leaving. I'll upload them after this post.

I'm scared of weighing myself once I wake up today. I hope I'm not too fat again.