05 September 2013

Smallest No More

96.4 lbs as of this morning.

Yesterday was my first day of actual classes. Words cannot describe how upset I am. My anxiety peaked at school so I'm wondering as to how I did not break down then and there. Especially in one class nearly everyone hates me in there. However there are two people that stick out to me in that class. One is a guy from my English 9 class who tormented me. The other is a girl who's thinner than me.

I knew this girl from my elementary/middle school days when I used to attend Sunday school due to my parents forcing me. She and I were the best of friends every time we went to church. However once I finally freed myself from attending church I stopped talking to her. Years later in my first day of freshman year I found her again. She was so thin.

Everyone talked about how she was anorexic. It drove me insane. At this point in time I had gone to the hospitals and I had gained weight. I was a solid 85 lbs and ballooned up to 90 lbs my freshman year when I began. It was completely unfair that she was able to stay so thin while I had to be forced to gain weight. How was that even justifiable?

And now here she was yesterday, in a super cute outfit. And looking so thin I nearly cried. It's not fair. I used to be thin, thinner than her. But here I am now, no longer the thinnest. I'm so angry at myself. I hit 96.4 lbs this morning. But I'm not happy with it at all. I need to get down to 85 as soon as possible. I cannot take time losing weight anymore. Otherwise everyone will think I'm fat for being second thinnest.

I looked around the entire English class. I am most definitely the second thinnest. Everyone in the room is a large small or a medium. She and I were the only ones definitely smaller than that.

My arm is in pain at the moment. I ended up self harming early morning before I took a 3 hour nap. I can no longer sleep anymore, my sleeping pattern is so disturbed. I don't even feel hungry. I just feel slightly dizzy at times. Though I have no excuse for that, I had lunch with my friends yesterday. I'm thankful the lunch man gave me less pasta than everyone else because if he had given me more I would have cried.

Why am I so fat. I'm so ugly with all of this fat crawling on top of my body. I just asked to be thin. That's all I ever wanted.

03 September 2013

Measurements Again

I finally did measurements again for the first time since April. I also weighed myself this morning when I woke up.

97.2 lbs, 23.8" (or 60.5cm which is closer).

Comparing my measurements from today to April, I am -5 lbs, neck measurements of course vary but they did go up +.25", arms went down -.25", forearm went up by +.3cm, wrist went down -.1cm, I did not measure bust this time around, under bust went up +2cm (which is disgusting), waist went up +.3", stomach remained neutral, hips were slightly smaller at 81cm than 32", upper thighs went down -2.5cm, mid thighs went down -1.5cm, knee went up +.2cm, mid calf went up to 30.5cm, ankle for some odd reason was not added last time but I measured 19.8cm this time.

I'm rather upset that so many measurements went up when I'm actually lighter than I was the last time I took measurements like these. I'm assuming the reason why I gained in a lot of these measurements is due to the fact that I gained weight and my body shape changed.

I just wish I could get my old body back. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of my stomach being so large. Even if my waist looks smaller I'll still look fat because of my stomach. I'm so sick of this. I just wish that I could tear off my skin and fat to make myself normal. I'm so sick of this. I want to be normal again.

Maybe it was a bad day to do measurements. I'm so upset now.

Thoughts before the new school year

My classes begin tomorrow. I'm so anxious, I'm so introverted that I'm scared I won't make friends. But then again do I really need friends? I already have friends outside of said classes. But there's this part of me that wishes I could just make friends and talk to them in class. I'm so alone.

But the only thing I can relish in is the fact that I'm finally losing weight. I was stuck at the same weight which is why I stopped posting for a short while. But yesterday I woke up and weighed myself.

97.8 lbs, 24".

I'm finally in the green. I know that I'm safe. I'm finally getting close to safety. I'm in the green. I know that from this point on I won't ever go back over 100. I know it. This gives me so much hope. I just feel so safe. I'm proud of this number. I remember months ago I was horrified when I got up to this weight. However now that I have been through hell at 110.6 I know that this is nothing. This is good.

I'm so close to my second goal. Once I hit 95 lbs then I'll be even more content with myself. Then I'll hit 90. I look forward to the days that I hit them. To someday wake up one morning and I finally hit another goal.

Since I finished my first goal of getting under 100 I think I deserve buying some lace for my skirts that I'm sewing currently. I'll go shopping sometime this weekend for lace. I'm so excited now.

But at the same time that I'm happy that I'm under 100, I feel this emptiness. I feel more alone. Every day I wake up and wonder, is it truly worth living? But the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am too fat to die. I do not want to be remembered as the fat girl in my death bed. I want people to remember that I wasn't fat.

I feel so alone in this world. No one actually cares about me. I have my friends from childhood in elementary schools. I have my friends from middle school. I have the friends I made in clubs in high school. But I know that once we all go our ways to college next year that we won't talk again. I know that no one cares about me enough that they'll care once I'm gone.

Maybe it is better off thinking of death. But I have a friend who told me that he'd miss me if I died, even though he doesn't actually know me in real life. Talking to this friend helped me for a bit. But I still feel this emptiness that I know won't go away. This feeling of being alone forever.

I am not unique. I'm a statistic in some book, in a research paper, I am just a number. That is what I am. I am not a person. I am a girl who just wants to find a place in the world but knows she can't. That's what I am. I am not going to be rich in my life time, I already give out most of my money to help the homeless in my area, I am not going to be famous for an invention I made or a scientific paper I wrote, I am not going to be different, I am just going to be like every other person in this world.

So what is keeping me here? Any how, enough thinking for one morning. I have only 2 hours to sleep before I have to wake up. I'm an idiot. Have to get things done today.