31 March 2013

Carpet floors

Sorry for not posting in a while, just moved to a new place with carpet flooring.

I am screwed. Also, today I'm 98.8 lbs, 23"

Fuck this shit. At my old home I removed the carpeting with the excuse that it was too dirty (really wasn't but they believed it) so I could safely weigh myself in my room. I can't do that anymore. The floor is nice and fluffy, clean and pretty. I'm screwed.

I have to figure out a safe way to weigh myself. I think I'll have to weigh myself in the morning during my showers and hide it with my towels. Thank goodness for huge towels. But I'm still screwed if someone catches me.

I've been eating a lot lately due to my family not having gone grocery shopping yet so I can't have the "I already ate" excuse due to not having food in the house at all yet.

I'm so dizzy though, I had work last night and I ate once before with my family. Threw it up at work. Not a good thing to do by the way, but thankfully lingerie was fairly bare last night so I didn't have to work with too many customers. Haven't ate since that one time with my family.

But I'm still fat. 98.8 lbs fat. I need to go grocery shopping to ward off my family from trying to make me eat. I'm so disgusting and fat and ugly.

I'll post thinspo later. I need to figure out a way to weigh myself safely.

24 March 2013

One more clementine.....?

97.6 lbs, 23"

I don't understand how I am still the same.

Today I've ate 3 clementines (105kcals) and 5 strawberries (10kcals). I want to eat one more clementine. But I need to stop myself, 115 calories is too much. I can't afford to eat one more until I lose some weight and see an actual different. I don't know why I am still the same weight. This is driving me insane.

Am I going crazy yet.

21 March 2013

A pinch of thinspo

Too tired to look for more thinspo than this tonight. Sorry if there's a repeat, thus the first image I'm talking about (if I had posted it, sorry). I promise better pictures tomorrow.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.

Why have my hip bones disappeared into the layers of fat that they wallow in now.
I need to think more of my actions from now on. 
Absolutely gorgeous 
Those legs, how do they exist?
Same girl, look at those collarbones. Stunner.

I will no longer eat Taco Bell

97.8, 23"

I still haven't changed from yesterday. Though I measured it just now so I guess it doesn't count as much (it's 02:00 as I post this).

I need to make a list of foods I can't eat. I'll make an official list next week when I'm not as busy as I am right now. I ate again today. I was doing so well, then I finally ate at work today. I ate Taco Bell. I will never eat that again.

I will never eat the delicious rice in the cantina bowls of Taco Bell again. I will never go into the food court to buy soda only to find it as an excuse to buy more food.

I will never eat a cookie on my own choice again. I must avoid pretzels. I will and cannot eat pastries.

This is going to hell. I looked at my old photos of myself and I'm going, wow, I had collar bones back then. I could see the bones on my chest in the pictures that were taken in normal day life, not behind a closed door. I could see it, everyone else could see it. Nobody can see it now, it's under the layers of fat and ugliness with the disgusting feeling that it comes with now.

I need to be thin. Why is this killing me. Forgot to purge, I'm so tired. I forgot I could purge again. Too late now though. Fuck. This. Shit.

I need to stop eating. Why am I eating. Why can't I stop. Why did I get Taco Bell when I had done so well. Why. Posting thinspo after this post. Enjoy it, hopefully the thinspo will work for you whereas for me it clearly hasn't since I'm not improving.

19 March 2013

Collarbone Thinspo

Here are some collar bone thinspo that you guys might enjoy.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.

Muscle weight

97.8, 23"

Why am I so fat. I finally realized why I gained so much weight, working out has caused me to gain muscle and a lot of it. You can see and feel the muscle in my upper arm on the top of it when I raise my arm to the side. My legs are slimmer and have muscle in them again. I am getting thinner, but weigh more.

I don't want this. My body is just screaming to lose weight and I can't because of the muscle. But I can't stop working out yet, I'm not thin enough. I feel so huge and in the wrong layers of skin. It's wrong. It feels like my skin is itching at me, it feels like it's crawling and I can see the lumps rising up, the fat coming towards me.

It's not what I want. Until I get to the thinness I want (especially my legs), I have to keep working out. Once I get to my desired thinness I'll stop working out completely. I can't have muscle weight. It's too heavy.

My ana buddy broke our pact when she cut, so I'm back to purging starting today. But I haven't ate much in the past few days. Just lying. I ate two boxes of waffles in a week. I'm so disgusting. I've been eating at night more because of a website I've been using lately. Fuck me.

This is going to be impossible getting down to my goal weights. I don't know how this is going to work if all I do is change my body fat into muscle. I need to get thinner. What am I doing wrong, it used to be so much easier when I was younger.

I felt thin in the mirror today, until I saw my weight and waist measurement. I'm a whale. Here's some thinspo in a few minutes once I get them all uploaded here. See you guys tomorrow. I'm back.

09 March 2013

Measurement Day - 9 Mars

Well, as much as I wanted to delay my measurements due to eating and drinking last night, I still took them. I had to eat pesto.

Some of my measurements surprised me. For someone who weighed in at 95.1 lbs, I went down in certain measurements while other ones went up.

For odd reasons, my neck measurements went up +.25" along with my arm (+.3"). I'm assuming that my arm measurements went up because I'm doing a lot of exercising with free weights for upper arm. However it looks worse for some reason so I'm going to lay off on that for a while.

Weight from the last time went down only -.1 lbs, however I did eat and drink last night so I blame it on that. Forearm went down -.4 cm, wrist -.2 cm, bust -2.5 cm (not happy about that one but better to be thinner than fat), -.3 cm under the bust, waist -.75", stomach -.2", hips -.25", upper thigh -.25", mid thigh -.3 cm, and mid calf -.6 cm.

However my knee and ankle measurements remained the same. What a pity.

I swear I will be at 90 lbs for my next measurement, unless I'm in a long term in patient facility by then. My family are applying to two different hospitals right now, claiming I'm not stable.

I am stable.  I have lost some weight. I will make it through alive, not fat.

By the way, some bad news, broke up with my girl friend prior to hospitalization since it's in my near future no matter how much I disagree. Fuck psychiatrists.

06 March 2013

Tic tacs and gum

95.4 lbs and 22.5"

Back on track. I swear to myself I will never get back higher than a 95 after I get lower. I never want to feel that disgusting extra fat on my body again. For days I've been just mortified by my own body, looking at how disgustingly terrible it looked, fat bulging from everywhere. Never again.

Yesterday all I had was tic tacs and gum. Lots of water of course, again.

Working out today and going to work also after classes, more weight loss from doing those again hopefully. I couldn't work out yesterday and it drove me insane.

I refuse to be a whale.

Also, is it just me or does it seem that every tic tac you eat, you feel like you've gained a pound for each one? I felt disgusted yesterday by the time I was done with almost an entire thing of tic tacs. I need to find something else.

05 March 2013

Periods [expletive] suck

23.5". My weight I'm embarrassed about but I know most of it is just water.

This [expletive] sucks. I'm being forced to eat dinner for the past few days since SW started. My school ridiculously claimed that they worried for my safety and put a SW restriction on me. My entire family was notified and I was just sitting in an office horrified when they told me that.

Whatever. My family is already dropping most of the restrictions because they're too lazy.

I'm so bloated it's not even funny. My body looks ridiculously disgusting right now. My body refuses to let go of all the water that I have been drinking (I've been water fasting for several days, not a wise choice now that I see that my body is just holding onto the water due to bloating).

I remember the day I got my period back for the first time in 3 years (today is the 3 year anniversary, whoo hoo -sarcasm-). I was so mortified. It was embarrassing to have to ask a nurse (I was in the hospital during this time) for tampons. Not that I even could remember how to use one. I had to ask for pads after.

Fucking disgusting. Sorry for the language. I can't wait for it to go away again.

Well I feel and look disgusting. And I have to do my monthly measurement in 4 days. I definitely do NOT want to be higher than I was last month. If I'm still at 95.2 lbs or higher, I will shoot myself (just kidding, I'm not seriously, don't lock me up for [expletive] sake, I'm not crazy). I'm so angry at my body.

Please, be thinner, just even a pound thinner, body. I will temporarily feel a brief moment of peace. If not, well, who knows what will happen then.

Posting thinspo later in the day, I should rest for now.

02 March 2013

Black and White Thinspo

Eighteen gorgeous black and white photos.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm under SW right now so I'm being careful. Stupid guidance counselors.


I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.