24 August 2013

Black and White Thinspo 2.0

So I forgot I saved a lot of thinspo a few weeks ago. I have over a hundred pictures so I just decided to post 32 of the black and white ones for now. If there's any repeats from past posts excuse me. Some of these pictures are just stunning or just gorgeous. I love the picture that shows all the types of collar bones. The way they stick out... I can't wait for my collar bones to come back out.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.

23 August 2013

Greek Yoghurt

My younger sister is a complete bitch. I am so furious right now and disgusted with myself at the same time. She had her friend over for a sleepover. But she complains that since I was talking to my father about an appointment that it was 'too noisy' to stay here and that they were going to go to her friends house instead.

Then while she's completely insulting my entire family for being 'loud' or whatever (since apparently families don't talk when they have friends over), she had to make an obnoxious comment about the Greek yoghurt I was eating. Let me tell you that this was the first time I've tried to eat solid food in a few days (since I had my wisdom teeth pulled out) and I thought peaches and Greek yoghurt would be fine together.

They were about to walk out of the house when my younger sister had to say, "Ew, do you smell that? It smells like Greek yoghurt. I feel like I'm going to throw up everywhere," and laughed with her friend. That was a complete slap in the face. I wasn't even a quarter way done with the small amount of yoghurt that I had out.

My sister knows that I'm bulimic. She fucking knows that I'm sensitive to food. And while she said those words, she walked by me to pick up one more thing from her room, and she snickered while walking by me.

I am so furious right now. I don't even know. I'm so insulted and I feel humiliated that she did all of this in front of her friend. I am so angry. I don't think I'll be able to eat for the next several days now. Better for me, I'll lose weight.

11 August 2013

Back Under 100

99.8 lbs, 23"

I'm back under 100. This moment is just unbelievably sweet in my mouth, it just feels amazing. When I first weighed myself it showed 98.8 but I reset the scale and went back on it only to be disappointed that it was 99.8 instead of 98.8. However, a victory is a victory and it's still a great moment for myself.

Actually, I don't even know if that 99.8 is correct, I just ate before I re-took my weight when I realized that maybe I should have double checked to see if the scale was being accurate. I let myself have a small cup of orange juice (100 cals), 2 small bites out of a banana muffin, 1 bite out of a lemon cookie, and 12 bites of a cantaloupe. I was so hungry and I had passed out before I measured myself so I thought I deserved a treat. Is it possible to gain 1 lbs from all that? I guess I'll have to find out tomorrow.

Does that all equal up to 1lbs? Ugh. Now I'm worried that I'm not actually 99.8 and that I'm actually 98.8 or I don't know. I'm feeling upset now that I didn't wait to eat. I was just so tired though. I felt dizzy. I saw the food and before I knew it I just took small bites out of everything. I felt like throwing the food up after but I didn't because I felt nauseous already.

Should I throw it up and re-measure myself? I don't know what's wrong with my scale then if I'm actually not 99.8 and the first measuring was correct. What do I do now?

I can't let myself eat anymore today. Maybe I'll let myself have a nectarine but nothing more than that.

10 August 2013

Achieving Goals

As I type this, I'm eating my third tic tac for the day. I haven't wrote for the past several days because I was stuck at 102.0 lbs for the past 3 days. I finally weighed myself this morning and I was 100.6 lbs. I"m so proud.

100.6 lbs and 23". I'm almost there. Back under 100 soon. So close.

The one time I left my room today I could smell the corn in the living room. They steamed corn. I was so hungry. "There's 3 left" but I didn't grab one. My younger sister made freshly squeezed orange juice. I almost asked for some then I stopped. I can't screw this up now. I'm so close to being under 100 again.

I have two of my friends trying to talk me out of losing weight. It's ridiculous. I'm not even in danger land yet so why are they talking to me about the 'dangers' of it and how I'm 'killing myself'? I'm not even close to that.

One friend asked me to think if what I'm doing is because I believe I'm trying to be healthy or if I'm trying to achieve an impossible goal. I don't know. I turned my laptop off for a bit and walked around. I think that what I'm trying to do is for my health, but at the same time I know it's because I'm craving to achieve something that most people think is impossible.

I just want to achieve something and do it for once. I'm sick of being a failure. I keep failing in everything I try to do. But controlling my weight? That's the one thing I can succeed in. I can't fail in that. Even if I gain weight at some point, I can lose it. So it's not impossible.

Some days I wonder if recovery is for the best. I was in the 'recovery' mindset mode for part of this year. But right now I don't want to recover. I want to be myself. Does that make sense? My friends don't think so. They don't understand me.

I hope you guys can understand me. I feel like none of my friends do. One friend who did understand me is trying to recover (possibly) so I don't want to ruin it for her. This blog is the one area I can actually speak my mind out to.

Anyways. I hope I don't get stuck at the same weight again. I was terrified I wouldn't lose any more weight when I was stuck at 102 lbs. 3 days of being at the same weight is horrifying.

Also one final note, I think I'm going to make a chart that shows my weight gain/loss over the months. Should I post it here once I'm done? Anyways, take care you guys.

06 August 2013

Teaspoon of Thinspo

 So I found a Facebook page with this girl who's known as the human barbie. I'm planning on posting an entire thinspo on her once I go through all of her pictures. But here are a few of her pictures along with some nice gems I found online.

I do not own any of these images and if you are the owner of an image and wish it to be taken down, please let me know via e-mail.
It's insane how thin she is.
She's so doll like.
She really is Barbie.
I wish I had her legs. Oh my goodness, her legs are flawless.
I wish my legs were tall and thin like hers. Her arms are amazing also.
If I could get my thighs to look like this, I could die happy without any regrets.
Those arms.
Fashion models are so gorgeous.
Knee high socks look so cute on girls with thin legs.
Another knee high sock picture. I can't remember if I uploaded this before or not though. If it's a re-post, sorry!
More of an 'artsy' type of picture.
If only my back would look like this. My body shape is horrid. I look fat no matter how thin I am because I'm just a stick in a straight line, no hips or anything.
Thought that is was pretty inspirational. Like, holy crap. I can't even imagine being that large but to see how small she got? So amazing.
I was going to go swimming during vacation but I opted not to since I felt too fat to wear a swim suit.

Back from Vacation

I just got back from vacation yesterday. It's currently 04:20 as I write this and I can't sleep. I'm just so restless. I had a lot of fun for the most part where I went.

However I had some shit moments. I went to a buffet that costs $22 per person. I had only one plate and everyone started complaining to me saying that I was wasting money by not eating enough and forced to get another plate. I was also forced to have some dessert. I ended up purging it all.

I didn't eat for most of the trip though I had to eat dinner every day which sucked. I feel like I gained back all of my weight which makes me feel miserable. I could only purge if nobody was around so most of my meals stayed in my stomach. I was dying to purge every day at dinner time.

I can't wait to get back down under 100 lbs again. I'm planning on going back to what I was doing before I left for the trip and try to stay in the 0-200 calorie range again. Thank goodness blue berries are in season.

Before the trip I found a bunch of new thinspo pictures that I forgot to post prior to leaving. I'll upload them after this post.

I'm scared of weighing myself once I wake up today. I hope I'm not too fat again.