10 August 2013

Achieving Goals

As I type this, I'm eating my third tic tac for the day. I haven't wrote for the past several days because I was stuck at 102.0 lbs for the past 3 days. I finally weighed myself this morning and I was 100.6 lbs. I"m so proud.

100.6 lbs and 23". I'm almost there. Back under 100 soon. So close.

The one time I left my room today I could smell the corn in the living room. They steamed corn. I was so hungry. "There's 3 left" but I didn't grab one. My younger sister made freshly squeezed orange juice. I almost asked for some then I stopped. I can't screw this up now. I'm so close to being under 100 again.

I have two of my friends trying to talk me out of losing weight. It's ridiculous. I'm not even in danger land yet so why are they talking to me about the 'dangers' of it and how I'm 'killing myself'? I'm not even close to that.

One friend asked me to think if what I'm doing is because I believe I'm trying to be healthy or if I'm trying to achieve an impossible goal. I don't know. I turned my laptop off for a bit and walked around. I think that what I'm trying to do is for my health, but at the same time I know it's because I'm craving to achieve something that most people think is impossible.

I just want to achieve something and do it for once. I'm sick of being a failure. I keep failing in everything I try to do. But controlling my weight? That's the one thing I can succeed in. I can't fail in that. Even if I gain weight at some point, I can lose it. So it's not impossible.

Some days I wonder if recovery is for the best. I was in the 'recovery' mindset mode for part of this year. But right now I don't want to recover. I want to be myself. Does that make sense? My friends don't think so. They don't understand me.

I hope you guys can understand me. I feel like none of my friends do. One friend who did understand me is trying to recover (possibly) so I don't want to ruin it for her. This blog is the one area I can actually speak my mind out to.

Anyways. I hope I don't get stuck at the same weight again. I was terrified I wouldn't lose any more weight when I was stuck at 102 lbs. 3 days of being at the same weight is horrifying.

Also one final note, I think I'm going to make a chart that shows my weight gain/loss over the months. Should I post it here once I'm done? Anyways, take care you guys.

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