05 September 2013

Smallest No More

96.4 lbs as of this morning.

Yesterday was my first day of actual classes. Words cannot describe how upset I am. My anxiety peaked at school so I'm wondering as to how I did not break down then and there. Especially in one class nearly everyone hates me in there. However there are two people that stick out to me in that class. One is a guy from my English 9 class who tormented me. The other is a girl who's thinner than me.

I knew this girl from my elementary/middle school days when I used to attend Sunday school due to my parents forcing me. She and I were the best of friends every time we went to church. However once I finally freed myself from attending church I stopped talking to her. Years later in my first day of freshman year I found her again. She was so thin.

Everyone talked about how she was anorexic. It drove me insane. At this point in time I had gone to the hospitals and I had gained weight. I was a solid 85 lbs and ballooned up to 90 lbs my freshman year when I began. It was completely unfair that she was able to stay so thin while I had to be forced to gain weight. How was that even justifiable?

And now here she was yesterday, in a super cute outfit. And looking so thin I nearly cried. It's not fair. I used to be thin, thinner than her. But here I am now, no longer the thinnest. I'm so angry at myself. I hit 96.4 lbs this morning. But I'm not happy with it at all. I need to get down to 85 as soon as possible. I cannot take time losing weight anymore. Otherwise everyone will think I'm fat for being second thinnest.

I looked around the entire English class. I am most definitely the second thinnest. Everyone in the room is a large small or a medium. She and I were the only ones definitely smaller than that.

My arm is in pain at the moment. I ended up self harming early morning before I took a 3 hour nap. I can no longer sleep anymore, my sleeping pattern is so disturbed. I don't even feel hungry. I just feel slightly dizzy at times. Though I have no excuse for that, I had lunch with my friends yesterday. I'm thankful the lunch man gave me less pasta than everyone else because if he had given me more I would have cried.

Why am I so fat. I'm so ugly with all of this fat crawling on top of my body. I just asked to be thin. That's all I ever wanted.


  1. You seem to be going to a really bad patch.
    i doubt people will hate you for being second thinnest. second thinnest in the class is really freakin' thin.Did the guy from the english class do anything nasty?

  2. I was bullied in that class by a group of students and he was part of it.

    Strange twist though, it's been almost two months in the school year and he and I are on good terms now. He's actually really caring now.

  3. kids are mean and older people are nicer.
    Even nice kids don't know what hurts people or how much what they do can hurt people but old people have made mistakes and being hurt themselves and they know better.
    Thats what i think anyway.

  4. I've been bullied and it sucks sh*t. I'm so sorry you have to go in. School is a hellhole, but eventually, we come out the other side. Be brave.