20 October 2013


I do not know what my weight is. But I know that my waist is 23" so I wonder if I should be content with that. I think I'm around 100 lbs again. What a fucking fat ass right?

Funny thing is, I don't even care right now. I just took a few pills of oxy with soda so I'm waiting for them to do their thing. At this time I really don't care what I'm doing. I just want to fall and enter blankness. I haven't done this in years but right now I can't handle reality.

Reality hurts.

A girl I knew since childhood committed suicide. She jumped. I was going to attend her funeral but the day before it happened I found out that 45 minutes before she jumped, she was with another student from my school. Funny how it goes but they probably told her to jump. Worse?

They posted on facebook that she did something that "everyone wants to do but is too wimped out" or something like that. I don't even know right now. But they said that and put a smiley face at the end of it.

They killed her. And they went to her funeral.

I just want to get thin and get over it. I need to get thin. I'm so sick of being fat. Sad thing is, being fat is the only thing keeping me alive right now. If I were at 80 right now I'd already have taken the entire bottle and that would have been that.

I just took another pill. God, how I have missed this. It's like I never went to the hospitals for this.

My goal from now on is to run for an hour every day minimum. I don't care if that means pushing off school work, if I can't get the one hour first I won't do anything else. I need to lose weight. I'm sick of being so fat. I lost weight and gained it back.

God I wish I could die too. But I won't. I'm too fat to do that. And ugly.

On a side note, good to see you all again. I'll post updates sometime and thinspo. I don't even remember the last time I posted. Shit. I've been out of it this long.


  1. Yay for drugs i guess

    Thats a nasty suicide story..
    Some people can't be clever or funny so they just try to be mean.

    You want to get thin and THEN die?
    I don't understand that.

    Be well.

  2. I know that feeling. I'm so sorry about what happened to her, and especially about what those assholes said! There should be laws against bullies going to their victim's funerals. They're just getting in one last laugh before she's put to rest, and it's disgusting. It's amoral and inhumane.

    Please be careful about the drugs. My friend - the girl I've been in love with forever - she does drugs to cope with her stress and it scares the fuck out of me. I don't want anything bad to happen.