03 September 2013

Thoughts before the new school year

My classes begin tomorrow. I'm so anxious, I'm so introverted that I'm scared I won't make friends. But then again do I really need friends? I already have friends outside of said classes. But there's this part of me that wishes I could just make friends and talk to them in class. I'm so alone.

But the only thing I can relish in is the fact that I'm finally losing weight. I was stuck at the same weight which is why I stopped posting for a short while. But yesterday I woke up and weighed myself.

97.8 lbs, 24".

I'm finally in the green. I know that I'm safe. I'm finally getting close to safety. I'm in the green. I know that from this point on I won't ever go back over 100. I know it. This gives me so much hope. I just feel so safe. I'm proud of this number. I remember months ago I was horrified when I got up to this weight. However now that I have been through hell at 110.6 I know that this is nothing. This is good.

I'm so close to my second goal. Once I hit 95 lbs then I'll be even more content with myself. Then I'll hit 90. I look forward to the days that I hit them. To someday wake up one morning and I finally hit another goal.

Since I finished my first goal of getting under 100 I think I deserve buying some lace for my skirts that I'm sewing currently. I'll go shopping sometime this weekend for lace. I'm so excited now.

But at the same time that I'm happy that I'm under 100, I feel this emptiness. I feel more alone. Every day I wake up and wonder, is it truly worth living? But the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am too fat to die. I do not want to be remembered as the fat girl in my death bed. I want people to remember that I wasn't fat.

I feel so alone in this world. No one actually cares about me. I have my friends from childhood in elementary schools. I have my friends from middle school. I have the friends I made in clubs in high school. But I know that once we all go our ways to college next year that we won't talk again. I know that no one cares about me enough that they'll care once I'm gone.

Maybe it is better off thinking of death. But I have a friend who told me that he'd miss me if I died, even though he doesn't actually know me in real life. Talking to this friend helped me for a bit. But I still feel this emptiness that I know won't go away. This feeling of being alone forever.

I am not unique. I'm a statistic in some book, in a research paper, I am just a number. That is what I am. I am not a person. I am a girl who just wants to find a place in the world but knows she can't. That's what I am. I am not going to be rich in my life time, I already give out most of my money to help the homeless in my area, I am not going to be famous for an invention I made or a scientific paper I wrote, I am not going to be different, I am just going to be like every other person in this world.

So what is keeping me here? Any how, enough thinking for one morning. I have only 2 hours to sleep before I have to wake up. I'm an idiot. Have to get things done today.

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